Mama says I love you.

I got stuck at work yesterday.  Ellie had a doctor's appointment to check on her tubes, and I couldn't go.  The male half of May had to take her.  60 minutes away.  The female half of May was not happy about this at all.  Although I completely trust my other half, I hate not being there whenever she has an appointment of any kind.  Half of the hate is probably because I want to be in control of the situation (I have a slight problem letting go), but the other half of the hate is because I hate not being present for her.  Sure it's just a doctor's appointment.  No, she won't remember it a month from now.  But it matters to me.  And I'll remember. 

 

I struggle with being a working mom.  I was raised with a stay at home mom (mostly until I was older anyway).  She was always there.  Still is.  Doesn't matter what she's doing or what I'm doing.  I know if I need her, she'll be there.  I've worried since I was pregnant if I would be able to do the same for my child as a working mom.  The echoes of people asking, 'Are you really going to let someone else raise your child?' still scream in my head.  But I didn't have much of a choice.  Sure, I could've quit my job.  But we had a mortgage.  And a car payment.  And bills.  And my paycheck is responsible for 50% of those things.  We can either struggle and stress more than we do now or I can work.  I confidently said, 'No.  I'll raise my child, but I'll have help educating her.'  But I not so confidently questioned the words as soon as they left my mouth.  How would I deal with this??

Yesterday I got a call immediately after the check-up.

"You know we have the sweetest baby in the world?"-Daddy

"Of course.  Did she try to give her pacifier away again?" - Mama

(this is generally an everyday thing now as soon as she sees someone sad)

"Nope.  Not that today.  Well not that I know of.  We were talking about what the animals say.  We went through the Monkey, the Donkey... blah blah blah.  Then she goes 'What does the Mama say'.  I could've guessed, but was too curious and didn't want to lead her.  'I don't know.  What does the Mama say?'  ' Mama says I love you, Ellie.'  Is that not the sweetest thing ever?!?  Love that kid..."- Daddy

 

Me too.  And she knows it.  That's how I'd deal with this.

It was okay I wasn't at the appointment.

It's okay that I work.

She knows I love her. 

She knows I will be there for her.

Mama says I love you, Ellie. 

 

It sucks sometimes having to work.  Not being there for every appointment, every boo-boo, every play date with the stay at home moms, every 'first' that might occur at school, every second of every minute of every hour of every day.  But it's okay.  And it's nice to be reminded of that.  Reassurance is good.  Glad my God knows I need it.  Often.  Glad He uses my sweet baby to give it.

Detour

I'm slowly learning perseverance.  If I had to pick my worst quality, I'd put that at the top.  I guess that's the word I'd label it anyway.  I don't stick with things.  I try something for a little while and as soon as I get the slightest bit of satisfaction (or dissatisfaction) from it, I'm done.  Bored.  What can I do now?  I'm not a lifetime hobby person. 

I played 5 different instruments as a kid.

Yeah, I counted the recorder, but not the xylophone. 

I played 3 different sports, did 3 different kinds of dance, and was a cheerleader. 

I sang in chorus.  I performed in drama. 

I went hunting.  I rode horses. 

I bought a camera and took some pictures. 

I even got a little obsessed with computers and writing code at one point. 

Oh and let's don't forget swim team.  I didn't include that in my 3 other sports. 

Just don't you dare ask me to do any of it now.  I didn't stick with any of it.  I "mastered" (in my mind) a few of those things at the time, but they didn't tie me down.  They didn't keep me coming back.  I'd get bored or frustrated or bored or distracted or bored (did I say that already?) and was off to the next adventure. 

Some people might call me a quitter, but I don't see it that way.  Maybe I'm also delusional, but I'm just not obsessive, at least not consistently obsessive. I don't think you absolutely have to have one hobby or expertise in life, but I do think you need to learn to persevere, and well, after looking back at that list, it's easy to see it's about time I do.  I think a big part of learning to persevere is learning to detour while staying on track.  Contradiction?  Maybe.  Possibility?  Absolutely.  You'll never reach your destination if you drive straight into the sink hole instead of taking the detour. 

 

Today's detour is taking me away from the funny.  I'm attempting to persevere with this blog, but I'm failing to keep up.  I originally started this with the intention to post every hilarious event that happened in our household, but I'm learning not every week is hilarious.  In fact, since the first few postings, it's been everything but.  So, in order to persevere through this adventure and stay on track, I've got to take a detour. 

 

If you're here only for the laughs, you'll be disappointed.  There will be more, but they won't be exclusive.  We laugh a lot, but we cry some too.  We also get sappy.  Well... I do anyway.  So, although I've never been a persevere-er (one who perseveres sounds too stiff.  get over it), I'm attempting something new again... and that's to ride this thing to the end... and in order to do that, I've got to detour a little.  Feel free to follow the road signs and come with.  (Yep.  That's for the grammar nazis that are still upset about persevere-er.  Take that for a detour.)  Just know that while I'm taking a detour, I intend to stay on track.  It might not all be funny, but it'll all be Ellie, May, and Jesus.  On our walk through life.  One step at a time.  Funny or not.